Autumn has always been my favorite season of the year. The time when the air becomes crisp and telling of the winter that will soon follow. The leaves lose their deep shade of green and take on radiant shades of yellow, orange, and red. Though the leaves are dying, they make the forests look alive and glowing in their final weeks, before they drop to the ground. This season doesn't last long, but it is to me the most beautiful of the seasons. Every year I would long for fall all through the summer months, wishing it could come sooner and last longer.
Last year, though, I didn't appreciate it. Last year I went through a traumatic experience when diagnosed with stomach ulcers and faced 5 long months of recovery, leaving the house only for doctor visits and hospital tests. And it all started in October, when autumn reaches it's peak of beauty. Through my physical sickness, emotional break-downs, and hopelessness, I was blind to nature. I was blind to God. I wondered why He didn't rescue me from the pain and the fear. It wasn't until I reached my breaking point that He spoke and He said "It's all right. I'm here. I'm helping you. You will get through this", and my King rescued me at what I know to be just the right moment.
I started seeing, as though for the first time, all the ways He shows me He loves me everyday. At that time it was winter, and as I started emerging from the dark days, I wanted to be outside. I wanted to smell the fresh air, to look upon the freshly fallen snow that sparkled on the branches. Each month I got a little stronger physically, mentally, spiritually. Spring came and with it came a feeling of fresh hope and a new year ahead of me. I saw the new flowers springing up, smelled the cleanness in the air, and got outside every chance I had. Summer rolled around then, and I had nearly resumed life as normal. I was attending my karate class again, going to church and Bible Study regularly, and I even got my first job.
I felt my purpose within me, to live for God and to move forward through life with that constant reminder. But I starting getting comfortable, and I let my guard down. And that's when Satan poked a doubt at me, and I believed him. One morning I woke up and noticed a difference in the weather. I immediately recognized the first signs of fall coming, but instead of my usual excitement, I felt sudden dread. Instead of associating the signs with joy of my favorite season, I associated them with the dark days of the previous year.
And I felt afraid.
All along I had been finding joy in the changing seasons, because they had been changing and moving farther away from that time in my life. Now I had to go through that same season all over again, and I was afraid of all the things I would be seeing or smelling that could trigger uncomfortable memories. As I dwelled on this thought, flashbacks filled my mind and I felt panicky. This went on for a couple days, and I felt the symptoms of my sickness all over again. I wondered how I could ever enjoy this season now, after going through what I did last year.
I turned to God and asked Him to not allow me to have to go through anything like that a second time. To show me some way that I could get rid of these old fears and worries that were trying to creep back in. Then one morning, I was reading my devotional, and He showed me what I was seeking, at the moment I needed it the most. This is what my devotional said:
"He hath made everything beautiful in His time."
Ecclesiastes 3:11
"The frost's frigid breath has swept across the more delicate garden blossoms, leaving blackness and blight; but the chilling nights only bring into brighter bloom many hardier flowers, and set the forst trees burning with transient gold-and-scarlet loveliness. 'A melancholy month,' urges a plaintive voice. Yes; perhaps so - to some. But the blessed harvest season, the fruition period, can never be wholly sad, wholly desolate. Pain, gloom, and sorrow should not be permitted to cloud these rarely beautiful, twilight-clipped autumn days.
Rather let our spirits borrow
Gladness from the rich libation,
Nectar-brimmed at coronation
of this loveliest month of all,
Diamond-threaded, of the fall.
--Author unknown
And remember, 'when the leaves are gone, we see more of the blue.' Ah, yes! There are always compensations. So be thou hopeful, O tried and despondent soul, even though the branches of thy life are swept bare by the bitter wind of sorrow or adversity! Look always up into the unfathomable depths of the Father's love. He 'knoweth;' He 'remembereth.' This somber period in your experience, when everything desirable seems taken from you, is necessary for your future growth in spiritual life. Can you not already see 'more of the blue?' " (emphasis mine) --[Adelaide S Seaverns, from Thoughts for the Thoughtful] Taken from the devotional Streams in the Desert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman.
Immediately upon reading this, I knew it was it was the truth. God knows what I went through. He walked me through it! He remembers the pain, the fear, every detail. He held my hand every moment! Just like it says in my devotions, "Pain, gloom, and sorrow should not be permitted to cloud these rarely beautiful, twilight-clipped days". It's not a matter of the memories flooding my mind involuntarily; instead it's a matter of whether I permit them to or not. I know I will have flashbacks. I know I will have days when I feel 'ghost' feelings of that time. At times they will try to infiltrate my thoughts, but they can have no foothold, because God had already formed a mighty tower to defend me. If I feel surrounded, I just have to "Look always up into the unfathomable depths of the Father's love", knowing He is reaching a hand down for me to take hold of. And yes, looking up, I can already see "more of the blue".
~ In Christ,
Shannon
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