Faith Looks Up

        Autumn has always been my favorite season of the year. The time when the air becomes crisp and telling of the winter that will soon follow. The leaves lose their deep shade of green and take on radiant shades of yellow, orange, and red. Though the leaves are dying, they make the forests look alive and glowing in their final weeks, before they drop to the ground. This season doesn't last long, but it is to me the most beautiful of the seasons. Every year I would long for fall all through the summer months, wishing it could come sooner and last longer.
        Last year, though, I didn't appreciate it. Last year I went through a traumatic experience when diagnosed with stomach ulcers and faced 5 long months of recovery, leaving the house only for doctor visits and hospital tests. And it all started in October, when autumn reaches it's peak of beauty. Through my physical sickness, emotional break-downs, and hopelessness, I was blind to nature. I was blind to God. I wondered why He didn't rescue me from the pain and the fear. It wasn't until I reached my breaking point that He spoke and He said "It's all right. I'm here. I'm helping you. You will get through this", and my King rescued me at what I know to be just the right moment.
        I started seeing, as though for the first time, all the ways He shows me He loves me everyday. At that time it was winter, and as I started emerging from the dark days, I wanted to be outside. I wanted to smell the fresh air, to look upon the freshly fallen snow that sparkled on the branches. Each month I got a little stronger physically, mentally, spiritually. Spring came and with it came a feeling of fresh hope and a new year ahead of me. I saw the new flowers springing up, smelled the cleanness in the air, and got outside every chance I had. Summer rolled around then, and I had nearly resumed life as normal. I was attending my karate class again, going to church and Bible Study regularly, and I even got my first job.
        I felt my purpose within me, to live for God and to move forward through life with that constant reminder. But I starting getting comfortable, and I let my guard down. And that's when Satan poked a doubt at me, and I believed him. One morning I woke up and noticed a difference in the weather. I immediately recognized the first signs of fall coming, but instead of my usual excitement, I felt sudden dread. Instead of associating the signs with joy of my favorite season, I associated them with the dark days of the previous year.
And I felt afraid.
        All along I had been finding joy in the changing seasons, because they had been changing and moving farther away from that time in my life. Now I had to go through that same season all over again, and I was afraid of all the things I would be seeing or smelling that could trigger uncomfortable memories. As I dwelled on this thought, flashbacks filled my mind and I felt panicky. This went on for a couple days, and I felt the symptoms of my sickness all over again. I wondered how I could ever enjoy this season now, after going through what I did last year.
        I turned to God and asked Him to not allow me to have to go through anything like that a second time. To show me some way that I could get rid of these old fears and worries that were trying to creep back in. Then one morning, I was reading my devotional, and He showed me what I was seeking, at the moment I needed it the most. This is what my devotional said:

"He hath made everything beautiful in His time." 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

        

         "The frost's frigid breath has swept across the more delicate garden blossoms, leaving blackness and blight; but the chilling nights only bring into brighter bloom many hardier flowers, and set the forst trees burning with transient gold-and-scarlet loveliness. 'A melancholy month,' urges a plaintive voice. Yes; perhaps so - to some. But the blessed harvest season, the fruition period, can never be wholly sad, wholly desolate. Pain, gloom, and sorrow should not be permitted to cloud these rarely beautiful, twilight-clipped autumn days. 

Rather let our spirits borrow

Gladness from the rich libation,

Nectar-brimmed at coronation

of this loveliest month of all, 

Diamond-threaded, of the fall. 

--Author unknown

        And remember, 'when the leaves are gone, we see more of the blue.' Ah, yes! There are always compensations. So be thou hopeful, O tried and despondent soul, even though the branches of thy life are swept bare by the bitter wind of sorrow or adversity! Look always up into the unfathomable depths of the Father's love. He 'knoweth;' He 'remembereth.' This somber period in your experience, when everything desirable seems taken from you, is necessary for your future growth in spiritual life. Can you not already see 'more of the blue?' " (emphasis mine) --[Adelaide S Seaverns, from Thoughts for the Thoughtful] Taken from the devotional Streams in the Desert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman.

        Immediately upon reading this, I knew it was it was the truth. God knows what I went through. He walked me through it! He remembers the pain, the fear, every detail. He held my hand every moment! Just like it says in my devotions, "Pain, gloom, and sorrow should not be permitted to cloud these rarely beautiful, twilight-clipped days". It's not a matter of the memories flooding my mind involuntarily; instead it's a matter of whether I permit them to or not. I know I will have flashbacks. I know I will have days when I feel 'ghost' feelings of that time. At times they will try to infiltrate my thoughts, but they can have no foothold, because God had already formed a mighty tower to defend me. If I feel surrounded, I just have to "Look always up into the unfathomable depths of the Father's love", knowing He is reaching a hand down for me to take hold of. And yes, looking up, I can already see "more of the blue".

~ In Christ, 

  Shannon  

       

God knows best

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

nor are My ways your ways," says the LORD.

for as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are My ways higher than your ways,

and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

          Have you ever experienced that moment when something in your life comes crashing down? Something you were hoping for or dreaming about? You never saw it coming. Your heart skips a beat as reality hits, and all you can manage is a blank stare while wondering "Why?" and "What now?".

          A surprise like that is never easy. I know cause I've been there many times. I know how it feels to have a hope or dream dashed to the ground. I've looked up into the sky so many times, asking God why He allowed certain things to happen. 

          Chances are, we can't change or fix the situation. So why waste the precious time God's given us by moping around and shedding tears over something beyond our control? Why is it so hard to just let go and trust that God knows best? That's a lesson He's been teaching me lately. In the spring of last year I was in great distress over my life.. I was one year out of high school, had no driver's license, no job, no college plans. I vowed that by fall my life would be different. I would have my driver's license, I would get a job, and I would jump into life just like my friends... At least, that's what I dreamed would happen.
          What really happened that fall was I found out I had stomach ulcers. I had to stay in my house for the next 5 longest months of my life in extreme pain, barely eating, and fighting panic attacks and anxiety because I just couldn't come to grips on my situation. Every moment I wondered "Why, God? What good could possibly come from this?". Now, after recovering from that experience, when I look back on that time of my life, I can see the good that came of it.
          I was going in the wrong direction that summer. I was wanting to jump into life before I was ready, and deep down I knew I wasn't ready. I had major trust-God issues and my prayer life had faded till almost nonexistent. God knows our hearts, He knows everything we're thinking before we think it, what choices we're going to make, etc. I believe He knew the only thing that would turn my life around would be to allow a crisis that would put my life on hold until I finally recognized the fact that I needed to change. If I was given the opportunity to wipe out those long, 5 months, I would turn it down. I wouldn't trade those dark days for anything, because it was through that experience that I learned what it means to have a real relationship with God; I learned that prayer isn't something you do only once in a while; and I learned how to trust God for real.

          God's ways are not our ways. If we let Him work in our hearts, He can take even the worst days of our lives and through them draw us closer to Him.

"For You, O God, have tested us;

You have refined us as silver is refined,

You brought us into the net,

You laid afflictions on our backs.

You have caused men to ride over our heads,

We went through fire and through water;

but You brought us out to rich fulfillment."

Psalm 66:10-12

          The story of Job in the Bible is inspiring. He had everything, and the Bible says that "this man was the greatest of all the people of the East."(Job 1:3). Then in one day it was all gone. His family, his servants, his livestock, everything. All that loss thrust on him all at once, his hopes and dreams crumpled to the ground, but do you know what some of the first words out of his mouth were?

"...the LORD gave, and the Lord has taken away;

Blessed be the name of the LORD."

Job 1:21

His trust in God was so great, he even went so far as to say,

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."

Job 13:15

How must it be to trust God like that! That's like saying, "Okay, God. You've allowed my life to be ruined and everything to be taken from me. If it's Your will that I myself die, then so be it. no matter what, I trust that You know what You're doing."

          Do you trust God so much that even if He allowed your death, you'd still have peace in knowing that God knows what's best for you?

          God sent me this song over the radio recently as I was struggling to understand why He allowed something in my life. It's become one of my favorites, and I wanted to share it.  It's called "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts :)

In Christ,

~Shannon