"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: 

old things have passed away; 

behold, all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17

          I caught a view of my younger self the other day... 

          The girl was thinner than I, with longer hair. I saw, in my mind's eye, how she interacted with her acquaintances and how she dressed. I saw insecurity. I saw low self-esteem. Those around her didn't know what was inside her head and heart, but I saw the truth. She wanted to look like the popular girls at church, she wanted to be in their circle and leave her tomboy reputation behind. She had finally traded her polo shirts and cargo shorts for skirts and blouses at church, but she still felt like it wasn't enough. Her life would never change she believed, and she would never be "a catch" for a good Christian boy like so many around her. I see a girl trapped in sin and addiction who wants out but never speaks of it.

          I see all of this while she smiles and laughs at a joke she doesn't understand, inching closer to the circle of girls in hopes that maybe this week she will become more than just an acquaintance, she will become a close friend who they invite to sleepovers and hanging out and..... and then.... HE walks into the room. I feel her heart skip a beat... Him. Her crush. Are they friends? She's not entirely sure, but he definitely notices her enough to say hello and ask about her week. One week he even walked with her down the street and they talked about something random, but she was SURE he liked her back after that day. I see my younger self, face blushing, heart racing, and I see what she sees. Impeccable hair, a handsome face, charismatic personality, and his laugh........ she thought she would never hear a more infectious laugh in her lifetime! Her greatest desire is that he ask her on a date, and she feels that destiny, no - God's will! - is that the two of them are meant for each other!

          I watch it all and I feel a mix of emotions. I wish I was thinner like her, wish I could go back and live my teen years all over and this time get it right! I would be popular, I would be fun and both guys and girls would want to hang out with me. I would not be shy and want to hide when called on in class to answer a question or make a comment. 

          My regrets and desires come and go as quickly as a gust of wind, and I see my younger self again. This time, I see her in light of who I am today, and what God has allowed and brought me through in my life to be who I am today. I imagine meeting my past self and what we might say to each other. Even though I see my current extra weight and flawed skin, and my hair in a braid she doesn't know how to do yet, I know she would look at me and be amazed at who she becomes. She would see a confidence that she doesn't know yet, a head held higher instead of shyly down, and a more carefree attitude about what others think than she has dared to explore. 

          There are so many things I could tell her... like the things she thinks are most important in her life are not lasting things. I could show her how to act, talk, and be in a group of people so she isn't so socially awkward. If I told her that more than half these people won't even be part of her life in 10 years, she would be in shock. She will accomplish such things in life that she wouldn't be able to imagine. If I told her she would join a YWAM school and travel to the literal other side of the world, she would not believe me. Or if I mentioned that she wouldn't be working in a veterinary, but with the elderly as a caregiver, she might recoil because at that point she thought "old people are gross!". If I told her that she WILL be liked by others for who she really is, not who she wants to be, she would be doubtful. If she knew that every boy she liked and thought was "God's will for her" was a dead end, she would be crushed. If I told her that she will one day be married to a man after God's heart who is so much more of a match for her than any boy she has fantasied about, she would look at me with wonder, because she can't fathom any mature Christian man ever wanting her for her.  I could tell her that she's not a failure in the home because she doesn't know how to cook. That in fact, in 15 years she would actually be cooking dinner for 40-60 people weekly, alongside her future husband, as a ministry for God, and it would blow her mind. If I told her that one day, her struggle with her sin problems that would last more than a decade would one day be a memory, because God would DELIVER her from them and give her new purpose in Him, she would break down crying because she has never felt that hope before in her failings. 

          ... I imagine her looking at me in expectation of all the wonderful things I could tell her that would change her world and help her, and I realize...... I wouldn't tell her. If it were possible to change my teenage life and improve myself socially, gain new skills sooner, even win the heart of one of my teen crushes, I would not do it. It was as if God opened my eyes and I saw that stage of my life in a whole new perspective. I can look back and see how each thing contributed to who I am today. Those things do not define who I am, but they helped shape my present personality, my relationship with God, my priorities, and my life goals. 

          If I had had tons of friends before, I wouldn't appreciate the few close ones I have now as much as I do. If I learned all my cooking skills then, I wouldn't have learned when I volunteered to help my husband (then just-a-friend) to cook for Monday night Bible study. How to cook for two as a newly married woman, and the happiness of making something for the first time for him and hearing how he loves it! If I had hit it off with that teen crush and we had entered into a relationship, I can imagine marrying him mostly out of fear that I if I didn't, I would lose my chance because no one else would ever want me (because I did feel that way after he stopped being nice to me and our friendship ended). And if I had kicked my sinful habits to the curb back then, yes it would have been amazing(!), but I also know that I wouldn't have had the experience of rejoicing with my husband over the victory Christ gave both of us in our individual problems, at the same time! I had the prayers, support, shoulder to cry on, and unconditional love from my fiancé during the process of God's deliverance from my past, and he had mine for his own process.

          God's ways are not our ways, and that my heart knows very well. Instead of looking at all my past regrets, and wishing I could change them, I choose to be thankful that God led me to where I am today. I choose to be thankful for the life He has given me NOW, and I choose to look ahead to the future unknowns and ask Him, "What do You have next for me? How are you going to use this circumstance or trial to lead me to the next best thing?" 

What will you choose?

In Christ,

Shannon

May 2018 in Asia

August 2020 - Our Wedding Day!