It's a beautiful thing to have the trust of an elderly person who has dementia.
As their caregiver, companion, or aide this is one of the most important elements in helping them get through every day. A co-worker of mine, after telling me of a resident who gave her a difficult time, once said:
"Well, you can't choose who you take care of, that's for sure."
She meant it as an sarcastic bitter truth, but what she said caused me to ponder deeply why it is I do what I do. In a sense, she was right. We can't pick and choose which residents we would like to attend to, and only take care of the ones we like, ones who are "with it" mentally and we get along with best. But she missed an even more key truth:
~ They can't choose who takes care of them ~
They can't choose which aide comes in their room to help them each day. They hope you will be kind, understanding, patient, and cheerful. Unfortunately, this is often not the case though, which means many residents you meet may have a history of abuse from past aides or a different facility. Because of their state of mind from their illness, they may not be able to recall the bad details, but how they felt in those situations is often still with them.
For example:
An aide is verbally abusive to her resident while helping them shower, because the resident is physically limited and mentally incapable of following simple directions. This happens often, and then a new aide is hired and assigned to the resident. The new aide tries to transfer her into the shower and the resident responds by protesting and pleading and struggling against her efforts. She doesn't know this aide is kind and gentle, and she doesn't even remember the mean aide from before. But she knows that when she is in in that shower, she is belittled and treated roughly, and so she panics. It is a conditioned response, one that is not the resident's fault but the only way she knows to stand up for herself. And this is where the "why I do what I do" comes in I referred to earlier.
I believe in change. I believe in overcoming. And I believe a cheerful heart, kind words and actions, and respect can go a long way because I've seen it. I've seen residents who have a past of abuse go from defensive to trusting over time, from being shown from good aides that they are in a safe place and are valued and loved. And it is beautiful to see. To look into their eyes and wonder what they have experienced in the past at the hands of the very people who are supposed to take care of them, and see those eyes looking with trust and smiling at you. Knowing it's been a long time since they've trusted anyone like that.
They didn't ask for this life of dependency on aides to live every day. It's humiliating to need help to go to the bathroom, to get dressed, need an arm to support them. I know because I've been there. I was so ill once that I needed that kind of help in my weakened state. They didn't ask for this. But they are asking for kindness and understanding. They are asking that you respect what dignity they have left and love them, even when they cannot control their behavior and they "give you a hard time". And yes, I know there are always a select few who do so intentionally (some people are bitter to the very end), but they still need kindness, even if it only comes from you and I.
They can't choose who takes care of them...… But those who care can choose to act.
"Caring for those who once cared for us, is one of the highest honors."
