When Good Things Fall Apart

         
          "Why, God? Why did you allow that to happen?....... Why?" I stared searchingly into the cloud-spotted sky and uttered these questions, desperate for an answer. A lingering winter chill remained in the air, the wind blowing it gently in my face. New tiny leaves quivered in the breeze, one of the only signs of spring that had come. And I stood there. And I asked, "Why?"
          As some of you may know(mostly if you've read my previous blog posts), I went through the hardest time of my life 3 1/2 years ago when I became very sick with stomach ulcers. The ulcers themselves might not have been very hard to cure, or have taken as long as it did, but mix that with a teenage girl with anxiety problems and you have over 2 years of treatment and recovery. And for a girl with plans and dreams... I felt like my world had ended, before my life even had a chance to begin.
          At the time I was involved in one of the most life-changing things in my life -- my Purity Ring drama group. Because of them, a girl bent on women's equality and the right to do whatever she wanted, became a girl dedicated to living out God's plan for her as a young woman, and turned over her own dreams in to the Author's hand. This drama group played one of the most important roles in my life -- showing me how to live in God's will wholeheartedly. I spent 3 years of active involvement in that group, the best 3 years of my life, and I had plans for there to be a 4th.... But God had other plans.
          All Spring and Summer I had been slowly struggling with food. My stomach would hurt after eating, and so I began eating less and less, seeing how much I could get by without. I had anxiety about this, and it also got channeled into my social life. I began to feel sick to my stomach before leaving my house to hang out with friends or go to church. Then I started throwing up. My mother then noticed something was wrong, and I was taken to the doctor, who believed I was anorexic. I insisted I was not. I have never had any problems with my body image that would cause me to not eat, I told her. Finally she said if it wasn't anorexia, then my symptoms indicated it must be stomach ulcers, and she would treat me as a patient of such. It would be a long process, I would need bed rest and a diet of the lightest, easiest foods(if I could hold them down), and most importantly, I needed to have a good perspective and not stress. But for a teenage girl with anxiety problems(already), it broke me. I sunk to the lowest pit of depression and hopelessness I have ever experienced, which made the ulcer treatment take much longer than it should have, which resulted in over 2 years of treatment and recovery, which meant........ All of my dreams were crushed in the dirt, including my 4th year of Purity Ring drama group, something that might seem insignificant by comparison, but my heart and love for that group was and is so strong, that it just tore me apart when I realized I had to call it quits. Rejoining in the future was also out of the question -- I would be too old. My 4th year would have been my last, as I was turning 19 that fall. My heart felt shattered in pieces, and sank into darkness.
          Fast forward many months, and I was standing on the front porch of my house, staring into that sky, asking "Why?". I had just returned home from visiting my drama group after not leaving my house all winter and fall(except for doctor appointments and tests). God had been teaching me a LOT in that time, about trusting Him and his plan for me (- See my post "God Knows Best" -) and I had finally come to a place of peacefulness about my situation, and I had hope for my future with my God who saved me. But when I visited my old friends and mentors, everything came flooding back -- the Purity lessons, the deep and meaningful talks, the auditions, rehearsals, play week, etc. And all at once I was overcame with feelings of deep sadness and frustration. I had been a part of something incredible, something life-changing and beautiful. Why had God pulled me out of it? Why? I had accomplished so much, made friends for the first time in my life, gained so many new experiences I never thought I would. How could God do this to me?
           And so I stood there, searching, tears streaming down my face, demanding an answer, as though I could command one to fall from the sky. I spoke those words, "Why, God? Why did you allow me to not be a part of that anymore? Why?" Suddenly a Voice spoke to me:

"I have something better for you to be a part of."

          I looked and there was no one around me. I was alone, yet I had heard His voice. "Something better??" I said. "What could You have for me that is better than my time spent in that group?" My question was not answered in the same way, and eventually I retreated to the warm inside of my

house, but I was left astounded. God's plan for me to be a part of Purity Ring was over, but He had a plan for my life that would be even better?! I was baffled, dumbstruck, speechless.... and thankful. So thankful. What love has our Father bestowed upon us! What great plans He has in store for us, if we would stop trying to write our own story! How wonderful God is! How wise, how merciful! His thoughts about us are numbered more than the grains of sand(Psalm 139:17-18), and we are never out of His sight! Praise Him! for He is sovereign over all!

          Yes, my 3 years in drama were the best years of my life, but you know what?........ my life has only just begun! And so has yours. Will you let Him have it?

~In His name,

          Shannon